Apr. 22nd, 2009 @ 09:57 pm
looking for advice on reading confusing relationship signals from a nepalese guy hi there - I just posted this in the masalacouples community and thought I'd look for a community more like this (so glad it exists!)|
hi there. I'm single, so I hope that doesn't make this off topic, but I'm looking for opinions:
I'm gay and (white) american.
question 1) native Nepalese guy, only been in the US a few years. we bonded over homework and a shared interest in desi culture. I taught him to swim, (*oh god I have to hide how crazy I am about you while I hold you up in the water and tell you to trust me*) he stayed at my house over a school break, I've driven him to job interviews, gone with him to scholarship/financial aid meetings, etc...at one point we ended up discussing Urdu love poetry while he...played footsie with me? was he flirting? I know a lot of other cultures are more touchy-feely than americans when it comes to same-sex friendships, so I assumed it was nothing, but I've had a giant crush on the boy for a while that just got renewed at a Nepalese New Year party, so I'm curious. not holding my breath, but curious. he's been incredibly sweet, defended me in public, (our american friend was joking with me, calling me weird, and he suddenly got VERY firm, looked me in the eye and said repeatedly that there was nothing wrong with me and I was perfectly normal - this after he knew I was gay)...he invited me to that New Year's party last week, etc...
I've been giving him a lot of space since I don't want him to think I'm hitting on him and make him uncomfortable (since he probably is straight), so our friendship is in this weird...I really like him but I suspect he thinks I'm avoiding him/don't care much about him state due to my shyness / the nature of gay *and* inter-racial relationships. blah. I suck at non-romantic male intimacy even with other people raised in the US (most of my friends are girls), so I'm really completely clueless here. this whole time (more than a year) I've barely talked to him without our mutual female friend initiating it, and I have no idea how to communicate the fact that yes, he is an important person in my life, I care about him, and I would totally date him.
since it's "safe" and I don't feel like I'm being forward, I ended up doing a lot of homework-help, networking, help-you-get-oriented stuff for him (since I don't know how else to hang out with the guy without it being awkward) but I'm afraid this is more some weird mentor relationship. the mutual friend I keep referencing said he acted like I was a big brother or something. (he is actually a little bit older than me, 2 or 3 years) I'm afraid I'd totally wig him out or make future "just friendship" awkward if I come right out and tell him he's important to me and I care about him. blah.
I'm pretty sure he's said he's not gay, but never to me, and I've slept with an indian guy who made it very clear exactly how closeted he was.
if any american guy did the stuff my Nepalese friend has done I'd instantly assume closet case, but I'm culturally ignorant in this context.
question 2) in the event that I ended up going steady with a desi guy, (not holding out for the guy in #1...doubt he's interested) can I expect to ever be accepted by his family? I am a vegetarian, pantheist Goddess worshiper with a mild obsession for Ramprasad Sen, Tagore, Hindu philosophy, Indian classical dance...I'm learning Bansuri and Indian cooking...going into medicine...meh. realistically, none of would matter and I would still be the evil white homo who stole their son, yes? are there any same-sex "masala couples" out there who ended up with accepting families? again, i'm not even dating anyone right now, so it's not the end of the world, but I have so much more in common with desi guys than meat-eating secular/christian white guys.
question 3) is it a bad thing I do tend to prefer south asian men? did any of you sort of look for an interracial relationship, due to cultural interests/personal preference, or was it just sort of kismet? I guess it's sort of natural for me to look to other cultures since my own (evangelical christian) pretty much rejects me, but I don't want to come off as some creepy weirdo with a fetish. I'm crushing on this guy because he's sweet/intelligent/amazing, not because he's from Nepal (though that certainly helps). *sigh*
thanks for listening.
i wouln't worry about how his famiy is going to accept you just yet- that's a long way down the road and chances are he'll want to stay closeted bc of his famiy and what he stands to lose there.
Maybe try establishing a relationship that doesn't have you looking like a big brother; be his friend. Also, instead of telling him outright that he's important to you maybe you could show that through subtle actions.
Sorry I'm not great on advice, but maybe this helps. His playing footsie with you and knowing your gay means he must be open to some degree.