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sad So when you're South Asian and out there are a host of issues and situations you have to deal with that nobody has given you directions for. Yesterday my Grandad passed away and I realized that even if I had a passport and however many thousand it costs to hop a flight to India in time for the final rites, I wouldn't know my place in the situation. My family is Hindu, and places a lot of value in the importance of the traditional family unit (no matter how disfunctional and mysoginistic it can be). For me, being in sacred spaces and times with my family exacerbates the everpresent feelings of alienation because I feel like I've failed them by not conforming and following my own path. How would I explain my short haircut and manner of dress to my family? Would I change and adopt more gender normative behavior, for the sake of the older generation? Would I pretend to be too busy with school to avoid the marriage wuestion? Would I leave my queerness in the states like Mr. Rogers' cardigan and house shoes, different outfits to wear at home and abroad?
Weddings, funerals, rice ceremonies, pujas, all thes religious events just make it feel that much harder to be queer, and when it's a family thing the whole process just magnifies the day-to-day alienation a queer South Asian might feel about not fulfilling ones duty to continue a family line (it feels like that's what it comes down to in the end). I don't know, I'm still processing this, but any thoughts would be appreciated.
August 8 2005, 12:29:17 UTC 6 years ago
Myself, I've opted to remain closeted about a number of things in my life because I feel as if the hassle generated from being out about them would overwhelm me too much for me to actually pursue them whole-heartedly. And that maybe I can do more good by sacrificing honesty in the short term while working to do long-term good.
But I don't know. Perhaps that makes me a coward and a hypocrite.
I certainly admire you for having the courage to post about your dilemma here. I don't know if anything anyone says will be 100% right for you, but I hope you figure it out and that you're happy with the situation that your decision produces.
August 8 2005, 13:45:29 UTC 6 years ago
August 23 2005, 22:02:10 UTC 6 years ago
Hope this helps
Dear Suenos,It certainly takes time to come to terms with being queer (not to mention being South Asian), no matter how old one is, so don't beat up on yourself. Guilt doesn't do much for us anyway, all it does is leave us feeling frustrated and angry. Doesn't help, does it?
I can relate to how you must feel (I grew up in India). Heck, I still don't know much about the rites and rituals at different occasions like weddings, funerals, etc. Learning these takes an interest I never seemed to have, so the only person I can blame for the lack of knowledge is me. However, reconciling it with being queer takes more than that.
Coming out, on the other hand, is a process...sometimes a never-ending one. But once you do, and it takes some effort, it does get a bit easier. The sad feelings give way to a more balanced view and temperament. I feel, learning to draw boundaries and setting expectations is a very important part of coming out. Once your parents and family get used to the idea of you being queer they will let you be yourself, as you are. And if they can't accept it, then you will have to make some decisions, some easy and some really tough ones. That though is part of growing up anyway.
There will always be a conflict between individualism and collectivism and sometimes we just need to get perspective and find out what is really important to us and then make decisions accordingly. Some compromises aren't that bad, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down. I don't like makeup, except kajal so that's all I do. I don't like jewellry, except rings and perhaps earrings, so that's what I wear. Once in a while I might wear bangles. I try and make sure to let people know what they can and cannot expect from me in a certain situation so they don't complain or push later.
Personally, I realized that I was always going to be looked at as the black sheep, so decided that since no matter what I did to "fit in" it wouldn't really make that much of a difference, so I might as well be me.
I hope this helps in some way. Btw, where do you live? There might be other South Asian queers in your area whom you could count on for support.
Take care,
Rashmi
October 6 2005, 15:33:56 UTC 6 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear you've had more than one issue (grandfather passing away) on your plate at such a difficult time.
I hope things did work out for you through this.
I thought you might be interested in this article, on 'conformist culture' in India.
http://www.outlookindia.com/full.asp?fo
October 25 2005, 01:54:37 UTC 6 years ago
and i completely understand what you're going through. it happens on a smaller scale, even here at home in vancouver, which has a indian community large enough to hold on to tradition as well as conformist social norms. i love so much about indian culture, but i dread going to large family functions. i have to act like someone that i'm not. i'm actually a pretty masculine guy, but still, i feel like i have to be way more "manly" in front of my cousins and uncles....that they cannot see any feminine attribute to me at all, or else they'll find out i'm gay.
it's such a weird thing too, because i'm out in the general community, to all of my friends, my sister and my closest male cousin. i'm so confident and comfortable about it (but i guess not so much as i believe). when it comes to the family functions, i hide it from people because i'm scared of what they'll do and say, but mostly i hide it from people because i love them too much to hurt them.
anyways, this was incredibly long, and i didn't give you any advice or anything, but thank you for raising this issue...cuz it's such an important one, i think. Good Luck.